Woke up after a nice sleep. Got up around 12 or so. I was warm, sleeping bag, my kamul, and a nice thick comforter. It was great. Sun was shining, so I went out and joined the French group and Kate outside for a smoke and some chai. Sat there in my hospital pants and my t-shirt. Ah. What a day. There was no electricity so I couldn’t take my shower but I didn’t care. I’d wait for the power to come back. Meanwhile, I was just lapping up the heat. Yes, I could do this.
Eventually the power came back on, I bathed, using the little hot water I was provided and went back outside. Eventually I went out looking to get my phone time recharged and didn’t have much luck but was told where to go. Ugh. So, I went, after returning here to make sure Kate wasn’t locked out. I left my keys and therefore compass here. That was a mistake I would later pay for, in time and money. But I took off by foot, and after making a 20 minute circle, took a rickshaw. Got to the Airtel office and after an hour it became obvious they couldn’t fix a couple issues associated with my account. Fucking hell. Not only did I pay 200 rs for only 100rs of talk time, which is bullshit, but I still have to pay roaming and on top of that, I’m being charged for a service I never signed up for. So, in the end, I have 75 Rs for the 200 I paid. This is unacceptable and I have to go back to have it taken care of tomorrow. This is the bullshit of india, bullshit policies, hidden bullshit, and of course, the communication issue that I have to deal with when trying to have a problem resolved. I was not happy, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. I took off from there and headed in the right direction but it didn’t take long before I got lost. Stopped a couple touktouks but they had no idea what I was saying. A third took me half a click and stopped to let the train pass and I got out, and headed in the same direction, but it was wrong. By the time I got the third I had no idea where I was anymore and he brought me to the Laxminath Hotel not temple. Ugh. Anyway, long story short, I made it, but it cost me 45Rs. I’m in bed, Erin has just called me, it cost me 50Rs for 30 minutes due to roaming, so after spending 200Rs today to recharge the phone, I’m now left with 20. This is such fucking bullshit. I’m pissed.
The conversation with Erin didn’t flow too well. I kinda feel like I’m back where I was many months ago, if not over a year ago, with just nothing to say, no connection to feed on. I’m sure she’s feeling it too and though she made no mention of it, it’s only going to be a matter of time before she makes an issue out of it, but she doesn’t even realize that she’s made absolutely no effort to try to reconnect. Sure she calls, preferring to spend money as a show of effort than take the time to write me or do anything that requires thought and creativity. I’m starting to lose hope. It feels like all she wanted was to regain my favor, feel the relief of not being hated by me, feel like I was going to forgive her, and since then, she’s begun to relax and has done nothing to change anything. It’s frustrating. It’s as though she’s waiting on me to make the first move, to show her that I’m opening up again, completely oblivious to the fact that I’m just incapable of doing that from where I am in my mind and heart right now without some gesture. She did what she did and now, it’s as though she’s forgotten its effect on me and will shortly begin to feel like I owe her a show of affection. Unbelievable. Not one effort. A short email with a link today, as though to say, see I’m thinking of you, I’m fighting for you. Fucking hell. Just days ago, she said she’d do anything and since then I’ve not received one email of substance. I don’t know if we’ll ever manage to be together again. This has shown me something significant about her that I think is fundamentally incompatible. When you say something do it, don’t just talk it. When my weakness and mistake was made visible and came out to haunt me and kill us, I rushed in, tourniquet in hand, syringe by my side, all the dressings and meds needed to fix up a dying body and I did everything in my power to keep it alive. She’s done nothing but make some phone calls, plead a bit, insist that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be, and request that I let it go and that I had to forgive her. Sounds so simple to her. I’m getting tired of this shit, and every day that passes I drift further away, as she stands idly by on an island in the middle of the atlantic. I’m scared for us, but I just don’t know how much I care anymore and the longer I feel this way, the more I’ll look out at the world and begin to see potential in me and in others. But this is life, beauty is not constant, it comes into your life, and flows out, it gets tarnished or taken, it fades away or is destroyed, and every once in a very long while, you find one that changes while it’s in your presence, never loses its beauty but changes into different forms of beauty, always radiant, but always radiating something new. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m gonna find for myself, because despite my weaknesses and mistakes, failures and inadequacies, I can have it and I can appreciate it, and I believe someone out there will appreciate me and be willing to make the efforts necessary, the efforts I’d be willing to make to see my changes as beauty and nothing else.
I’m tired. Time for a movie. I’ll see you tomorrow and try to go over the uniqueness of Bikaner and its people.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Jan 16
Didn’t have the opportunity to write yesterday. An uneventful day in any event, shortly after getting up and like a reptile warming up in the sun to gain the energy needed I went out to get this phone issue resolved. I did so, finally, though I’m not sure it’s all taken care of just yet, which reminds me that I need to take care of that. In the end, I did manage to get equivalent talk time to the money I paid, which was quite a triumph, but it required considerable time. The other 2 issues I’m still waiting on. Anyway, after that I decided I could find my way back and walk and I did, stopping to use an internet café for a couple hours, doing some work. It all worked out well. Got back home and did some more work and got online, did some photoshop work for the son of the woman we’re staying with and that was pretty much my day. During the night Kate, who’s decided she’ll tag along for my pushkar and Udaipur portions of the trip got sick and had to run to the bathroom for a puke session. Other than that, nothing of interest happened yesterday, but I managed to get a few things done and do some relaxing in the sun. I can’t complain. Bikaner has been treating me well.
So, why is Bikaner so different. Well for one, it’s small by Indian standards. 500,000 or so people. The old city is dotted and peppered with Havellis, old merchant homes, richly ornate, large, multi-roomed, and quite beautiful. Today they stand vacated, with only a couple people living there to keep watch for the families that own the homes but have since moved on to other cities. So, much of the old city is deserted which is an interesting thing to behold in India, empty streets, little noise, no touktouks. So, that in addition to some great markets, brilliant in color as Rajasthan is, despite the desert-like scenery, are really clean by Indian standards, really well organized, the merchandise presented in a way that really brings out the products. The vegetables here look like candy they are laid out so well. And the market, unlike many other towns, are divided into sections, spice section, vegetable section, it’s all quite beautiful. I am hoping to have a chance to get a few photos or video of it as I didn’t manage the last time I was there.
Then of course was the Laxminath Jain Temple, richly painted, full of color and designed in typical Jain fashion with a holy man keeping watch. It was the end of our journey with our voluntary guide but nonetheless it was interesting to see. That was our first day here. Since, we’ve done little but bask in the sun, eat, talk, walk around, each person doing his/her own thing, the French crew often going out for a couple hours at a time, sometimes all together, sometimes in groups of 2, sometime all but one leaving. They seem to have a good perspective on traveling, taking their time in the places they visit to get to know the town well and enjoy the little things, the finer things, each other. It was a nice change from the in and out mentality of many travelers, or the opposite, staying in one place for 7 months for a thesis or personal project. They’ll be here another 2 or 3 months if they can afford it. They’ve been a fun group to meet and hang with, providing me with my first charas opportunity, which was so chill and smooth and nice I almost couldn’t tell I was stoned and didn’t really care, but I was happy.
This has been Bikaner. Tomorrow Kate and I leave for Pushkar by way of Ajmer. Hopefully we’ll have the chance to see the Rat temple before we leave, and hopefully I’ll have my phone issue taken care of by then too. But, my memories of Bikaner, its wide streets, sparse population, warm people all saying Hellooo and asking nothing of you, has continued to feed this feeling of hope that the rest of my trip will be full of wonder and pleasure, even if occasionally frustrating.
Appendix:
Still the 16th. In the courtyard in pitch black. The French crew has left, Kate is asleep and there’s no one left in the huts to keep me entertained, so I turn to you my lone friend to give me an objective in the hopes something of substance will come of my solitary moment. Music ringing in my head from the laptop running on its small but still reliable battery. It’s not so cold tonight. Near clear skies, moon is shining through the thin layer of weak clouds. It’s a nice night. Even the dogs seem to be enjoying it as their barks are few and far between. It’s as quiet as an Indian city can get. Ah, and there’s the barking to prove that I’ve spoken too soon. Music is bringing me so much peace and energy at the same time. Fire 1, fire 1, fire 2. It may be time for a cigarette. A drink would be great right now too. Soon, I’ll be in an area that has more to offer in terms of intoxication, but I can’t complain in the presence of all of this. I don’t think I’ll stay long, but a little note to say this is a great moment should suffice. I’ll let the music and a smoke do the rest. So, until tomorrow, rest well.
Jan 17
It was time to leave Bikaner. Woke up at 8:30 to be sure we were checked out by the required 9am. Sat around the courtyard for hours, got online, paid the bill, decided to leave for 3. It was a lazy day, but it was warm and other than an hour or so of work, it was pleasant. But 2:30, it was time to leave and we made our way by touk-touk to the government bus stand, where we had to get a ticket for 4 to Pushkar. It would be a 7 hour ride and we’d get there round 11. Kate and I strapped the backpacks onto the roof of the bus, got in, and made our way out of Bikaner. Time would pass quickly, one conversation after another about geology, physics, even a little biology, it all flowed pretty well and I enjoyed the talks, especially with someone who had studied some if not all of these subjects in university. So, 7 hours came and went and we arrived in Pushkar late at night, not a touktouk in site, but it didn’t matter, this little town of 17,000 was small enough to walk from one end to the other in minutes, even with our 60+ pounds of gear. Walking through the half asleep town, it became quickly apparent, that for every Indian we saw awake, there were 3 foreigners. I had never seen so many foreigners per capita. It was strange and a little exciting. A group sat outside a restaurant playing chess and rolling something up, hippy looking, with one of the men sporting a long grey beard, but as if that weren’t enough, I heard for the first time a restaurant playing something other than Indian music, and the sound was very familiar, very familiar, yes, yes, it was shpongle. I was in love. This town had something special. We continued on to our hotel after some basic directions from the restaurant owner and got to a closed hotel. But have no fear, though we could see someone sleeping on a cot just on the other side of the metal gate, we couldn’t wake him, his Indian sleeping abilities being too much for our measly gate banging skills. We eventually pried the doors open and after another attempt at waking him, we wandered in to find someone who could check us in. We got to the restaurant area, put our bags down and went to find someone. 2 foreigners were sitting at one of the tables in the open courtyard that is the restaurant. Ludivine had told me about this place but I had no idea what to expect and so far, it had a great vibe, people were in their rooms but still up as I could hear music coming from different apartments. We asked the 2 at the table if they knew who we could ask to get checked in, they pointed us in the right direction and long story, well, not so long story short, we got a room. Put our stuff in, Kate took a shower, I decided to make new friends and went downstairs to the restaurant again and asked if I could join them. It was 12 by then. We chatted a while, they’re not traveling together but have met up many times, she from Israel, he from Italy, Jerusalem and Milano. Seemed pretty cool. But that done, it was time to get cleaned. I went back up and took the best shower I had had up to then in 2008. It was warm, then eventually hot and the pressure was great, the bathroom felt clean enough that I didn’t have the feeling of being disgusted while I was showering. What a wonderful place this Pushkar is. All this within an hour of getting here, shpongle to greet me, lots of foreigners lounging about, a couple new ones to talk to, a clean room, a great shower, and power. Well, as if it weren’t enough, I for the first time was in my t-shirt at night. 1 month in India and this was my first 1 layer night. Wow! I’m in heaven.
This is a tiny little town, colorful at night, and though all the shops are closed, it seems like it has a life ready to start anew in the morning, colors to dazzle. All the streets are lined with hotels, a little dusty town with a couple temples that’s somehow become a little haven for tourists, attracting them from all corners of India and the world. I don’t yet know why, but so far I can’t see why not. There are rumours of annoyances concerning being hassled, little tricks the locals have developed to take advantage of our poor souls, but that’s yet to be seen. Up to now, it’s been 2 little roads that seem to go nowhere until the end where they take a sharp 90 degree turn in just one direction, maybe splits every once in a while. But that was it. There’s a Vishnu temple here with a bunch of Indians sleeping outside it, there are ghats which I haven’t yet seen, who knows what else awaits my open eyes. So far, all I can say is, it just keeps getting better and better. Amritsar was the beginning of a completely different Indian experience for me. Sure my travels started with Srinigar and Jammu, and as cherished as Srinigar was for me, as unique as it may have been, I wasn’t left with the feeling of hope that I began to feel in Amritsar and that really blossomed in Bikaner. But now, I feel like, having the uniqueness and authenticity of Srinigar under my belt and the warmth of Punjab and Rajasthan to warm the soul that I’m ready for endless travels throughout this land. I’m open to all the colors, the hardships, the pains, the problems, the wonderful gifts, the loneliness, the encounters, the conversations, the hellos, the touts, the food, the lack of meat, the heat, even the cold.
A week ago I had no real plan, and today still I have none save for the leaning towards making Udaipur my next stop, but I had no idea I would have gone to Bikaner, which I hadn’t even heard of, and then I met Kate. Once in Bikaner, I had no idea I’d come to Pushkar though I had certainly considered it and circled it on the map as a potential destination, and then I met the French group and Ludivine who loved it and here I am. Sure I may end up in Udaipur next, or Bundi, or somewhere completely different, and I don’t care anymore. I’m warm right now, I’m clean, I’m comfortable and I’m energized, and I realize more than ever that everywhere is a surprise waiting to be unwrapped. There’s still so much to see, so much to do. Work still plagues my mind but all in all, this is what I’ve been wanting and it feels good to do a mixture of discovering and relaxing, soaking in the warmth of the sun as well as the sights of these locations and its people. So, with that I’ll leave this little journal till tomorrow and let you know how Pushkar looks in the day time and what little adventures I’ve been thrust into.
So, why is Bikaner so different. Well for one, it’s small by Indian standards. 500,000 or so people. The old city is dotted and peppered with Havellis, old merchant homes, richly ornate, large, multi-roomed, and quite beautiful. Today they stand vacated, with only a couple people living there to keep watch for the families that own the homes but have since moved on to other cities. So, much of the old city is deserted which is an interesting thing to behold in India, empty streets, little noise, no touktouks. So, that in addition to some great markets, brilliant in color as Rajasthan is, despite the desert-like scenery, are really clean by Indian standards, really well organized, the merchandise presented in a way that really brings out the products. The vegetables here look like candy they are laid out so well. And the market, unlike many other towns, are divided into sections, spice section, vegetable section, it’s all quite beautiful. I am hoping to have a chance to get a few photos or video of it as I didn’t manage the last time I was there.
Then of course was the Laxminath Jain Temple, richly painted, full of color and designed in typical Jain fashion with a holy man keeping watch. It was the end of our journey with our voluntary guide but nonetheless it was interesting to see. That was our first day here. Since, we’ve done little but bask in the sun, eat, talk, walk around, each person doing his/her own thing, the French crew often going out for a couple hours at a time, sometimes all together, sometimes in groups of 2, sometime all but one leaving. They seem to have a good perspective on traveling, taking their time in the places they visit to get to know the town well and enjoy the little things, the finer things, each other. It was a nice change from the in and out mentality of many travelers, or the opposite, staying in one place for 7 months for a thesis or personal project. They’ll be here another 2 or 3 months if they can afford it. They’ve been a fun group to meet and hang with, providing me with my first charas opportunity, which was so chill and smooth and nice I almost couldn’t tell I was stoned and didn’t really care, but I was happy.
This has been Bikaner. Tomorrow Kate and I leave for Pushkar by way of Ajmer. Hopefully we’ll have the chance to see the Rat temple before we leave, and hopefully I’ll have my phone issue taken care of by then too. But, my memories of Bikaner, its wide streets, sparse population, warm people all saying Hellooo and asking nothing of you, has continued to feed this feeling of hope that the rest of my trip will be full of wonder and pleasure, even if occasionally frustrating.
Appendix:
Still the 16th. In the courtyard in pitch black. The French crew has left, Kate is asleep and there’s no one left in the huts to keep me entertained, so I turn to you my lone friend to give me an objective in the hopes something of substance will come of my solitary moment. Music ringing in my head from the laptop running on its small but still reliable battery. It’s not so cold tonight. Near clear skies, moon is shining through the thin layer of weak clouds. It’s a nice night. Even the dogs seem to be enjoying it as their barks are few and far between. It’s as quiet as an Indian city can get. Ah, and there’s the barking to prove that I’ve spoken too soon. Music is bringing me so much peace and energy at the same time. Fire 1, fire 1, fire 2. It may be time for a cigarette. A drink would be great right now too. Soon, I’ll be in an area that has more to offer in terms of intoxication, but I can’t complain in the presence of all of this. I don’t think I’ll stay long, but a little note to say this is a great moment should suffice. I’ll let the music and a smoke do the rest. So, until tomorrow, rest well.
Jan 17
It was time to leave Bikaner. Woke up at 8:30 to be sure we were checked out by the required 9am. Sat around the courtyard for hours, got online, paid the bill, decided to leave for 3. It was a lazy day, but it was warm and other than an hour or so of work, it was pleasant. But 2:30, it was time to leave and we made our way by touk-touk to the government bus stand, where we had to get a ticket for 4 to Pushkar. It would be a 7 hour ride and we’d get there round 11. Kate and I strapped the backpacks onto the roof of the bus, got in, and made our way out of Bikaner. Time would pass quickly, one conversation after another about geology, physics, even a little biology, it all flowed pretty well and I enjoyed the talks, especially with someone who had studied some if not all of these subjects in university. So, 7 hours came and went and we arrived in Pushkar late at night, not a touktouk in site, but it didn’t matter, this little town of 17,000 was small enough to walk from one end to the other in minutes, even with our 60+ pounds of gear. Walking through the half asleep town, it became quickly apparent, that for every Indian we saw awake, there were 3 foreigners. I had never seen so many foreigners per capita. It was strange and a little exciting. A group sat outside a restaurant playing chess and rolling something up, hippy looking, with one of the men sporting a long grey beard, but as if that weren’t enough, I heard for the first time a restaurant playing something other than Indian music, and the sound was very familiar, very familiar, yes, yes, it was shpongle. I was in love. This town had something special. We continued on to our hotel after some basic directions from the restaurant owner and got to a closed hotel. But have no fear, though we could see someone sleeping on a cot just on the other side of the metal gate, we couldn’t wake him, his Indian sleeping abilities being too much for our measly gate banging skills. We eventually pried the doors open and after another attempt at waking him, we wandered in to find someone who could check us in. We got to the restaurant area, put our bags down and went to find someone. 2 foreigners were sitting at one of the tables in the open courtyard that is the restaurant. Ludivine had told me about this place but I had no idea what to expect and so far, it had a great vibe, people were in their rooms but still up as I could hear music coming from different apartments. We asked the 2 at the table if they knew who we could ask to get checked in, they pointed us in the right direction and long story, well, not so long story short, we got a room. Put our stuff in, Kate took a shower, I decided to make new friends and went downstairs to the restaurant again and asked if I could join them. It was 12 by then. We chatted a while, they’re not traveling together but have met up many times, she from Israel, he from Italy, Jerusalem and Milano. Seemed pretty cool. But that done, it was time to get cleaned. I went back up and took the best shower I had had up to then in 2008. It was warm, then eventually hot and the pressure was great, the bathroom felt clean enough that I didn’t have the feeling of being disgusted while I was showering. What a wonderful place this Pushkar is. All this within an hour of getting here, shpongle to greet me, lots of foreigners lounging about, a couple new ones to talk to, a clean room, a great shower, and power. Well, as if it weren’t enough, I for the first time was in my t-shirt at night. 1 month in India and this was my first 1 layer night. Wow! I’m in heaven.
This is a tiny little town, colorful at night, and though all the shops are closed, it seems like it has a life ready to start anew in the morning, colors to dazzle. All the streets are lined with hotels, a little dusty town with a couple temples that’s somehow become a little haven for tourists, attracting them from all corners of India and the world. I don’t yet know why, but so far I can’t see why not. There are rumours of annoyances concerning being hassled, little tricks the locals have developed to take advantage of our poor souls, but that’s yet to be seen. Up to now, it’s been 2 little roads that seem to go nowhere until the end where they take a sharp 90 degree turn in just one direction, maybe splits every once in a while. But that was it. There’s a Vishnu temple here with a bunch of Indians sleeping outside it, there are ghats which I haven’t yet seen, who knows what else awaits my open eyes. So far, all I can say is, it just keeps getting better and better. Amritsar was the beginning of a completely different Indian experience for me. Sure my travels started with Srinigar and Jammu, and as cherished as Srinigar was for me, as unique as it may have been, I wasn’t left with the feeling of hope that I began to feel in Amritsar and that really blossomed in Bikaner. But now, I feel like, having the uniqueness and authenticity of Srinigar under my belt and the warmth of Punjab and Rajasthan to warm the soul that I’m ready for endless travels throughout this land. I’m open to all the colors, the hardships, the pains, the problems, the wonderful gifts, the loneliness, the encounters, the conversations, the hellos, the touts, the food, the lack of meat, the heat, even the cold.
A week ago I had no real plan, and today still I have none save for the leaning towards making Udaipur my next stop, but I had no idea I would have gone to Bikaner, which I hadn’t even heard of, and then I met Kate. Once in Bikaner, I had no idea I’d come to Pushkar though I had certainly considered it and circled it on the map as a potential destination, and then I met the French group and Ludivine who loved it and here I am. Sure I may end up in Udaipur next, or Bundi, or somewhere completely different, and I don’t care anymore. I’m warm right now, I’m clean, I’m comfortable and I’m energized, and I realize more than ever that everywhere is a surprise waiting to be unwrapped. There’s still so much to see, so much to do. Work still plagues my mind but all in all, this is what I’ve been wanting and it feels good to do a mixture of discovering and relaxing, soaking in the warmth of the sun as well as the sights of these locations and its people. So, with that I’ll leave this little journal till tomorrow and let you know how Pushkar looks in the day time and what little adventures I’ve been thrust into.
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