Jan 14

Woke up after a nice sleep. Got up around 12 or so. I was warm, sleeping bag, my kamul, and a nice thick comforter. It was great. Sun was shining, so I went out and joined the French group and Kate outside for a smoke and some chai. Sat there in my hospital pants and my t-shirt. Ah. What a day. There was no electricity so I couldn’t take my shower but I didn’t care. I’d wait for the power to come back. Meanwhile, I was just lapping up the heat. Yes, I could do this.
Eventually the power came back on, I bathed, using the little hot water I was provided and went back outside. Eventually I went out looking to get my phone time recharged and didn’t have much luck but was told where to go. Ugh. So, I went, after returning here to make sure Kate wasn’t locked out. I left my keys and therefore compass here. That was a mistake I would later pay for, in time and money. But I took off by foot, and after making a 20 minute circle, took a rickshaw. Got to the Airtel office and after an hour it became obvious they couldn’t fix a couple issues associated with my account. Fucking hell. Not only did I pay 200 rs for only 100rs of talk time, which is bullshit, but I still have to pay roaming and on top of that, I’m being charged for a service I never signed up for. So, in the end, I have 75 Rs for the 200 I paid. This is unacceptable and I have to go back to have it taken care of tomorrow. This is the bullshit of india, bullshit policies, hidden bullshit, and of course, the communication issue that I have to deal with when trying to have a problem resolved. I was not happy, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. I took off from there and headed in the right direction but it didn’t take long before I got lost. Stopped a couple touktouks but they had no idea what I was saying. A third took me half a click and stopped to let the train pass and I got out, and headed in the same direction, but it was wrong. By the time I got the third I had no idea where I was anymore and he brought me to the Laxminath Hotel not temple. Ugh. Anyway, long story short, I made it, but it cost me 45Rs. I’m in bed, Erin has just called me, it cost me 50Rs for 30 minutes due to roaming, so after spending 200Rs today to recharge the phone, I’m now left with 20. This is such fucking bullshit. I’m pissed.

The conversation with Erin didn’t flow too well. I kinda feel like I’m back where I was many months ago, if not over a year ago, with just nothing to say, no connection to feed on. I’m sure she’s feeling it too and though she made no mention of it, it’s only going to be a matter of time before she makes an issue out of it, but she doesn’t even realize that she’s made absolutely no effort to try to reconnect. Sure she calls, preferring to spend money as a show of effort than take the time to write me or do anything that requires thought and creativity. I’m starting to lose hope. It feels like all she wanted was to regain my favor, feel the relief of not being hated by me, feel like I was going to forgive her, and since then, she’s begun to relax and has done nothing to change anything. It’s frustrating. It’s as though she’s waiting on me to make the first move, to show her that I’m opening up again, completely oblivious to the fact that I’m just incapable of doing that from where I am in my mind and heart right now without some gesture. She did what she did and now, it’s as though she’s forgotten its effect on me and will shortly begin to feel like I owe her a show of affection. Unbelievable. Not one effort. A short email with a link today, as though to say, see I’m thinking of you, I’m fighting for you. Fucking hell. Just days ago, she said she’d do anything and since then I’ve not received one email of substance. I don’t know if we’ll ever manage to be together again. This has shown me something significant about her that I think is fundamentally incompatible. When you say something do it, don’t just talk it. When my weakness and mistake was made visible and came out to haunt me and kill us, I rushed in, tourniquet in hand, syringe by my side, all the dressings and meds needed to fix up a dying body and I did everything in my power to keep it alive. She’s done nothing but make some phone calls, plead a bit, insist that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be, and request that I let it go and that I had to forgive her. Sounds so simple to her. I’m getting tired of this shit, and every day that passes I drift further away, as she stands idly by on an island in the middle of the atlantic. I’m scared for us, but I just don’t know how much I care anymore and the longer I feel this way, the more I’ll look out at the world and begin to see potential in me and in others. But this is life, beauty is not constant, it comes into your life, and flows out, it gets tarnished or taken, it fades away or is destroyed, and every once in a very long while, you find one that changes while it’s in your presence, never loses its beauty but changes into different forms of beauty, always radiant, but always radiating something new. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m gonna find for myself, because despite my weaknesses and mistakes, failures and inadequacies, I can have it and I can appreciate it, and I believe someone out there will appreciate me and be willing to make the efforts necessary, the efforts I’d be willing to make to see my changes as beauty and nothing else.

I’m tired. Time for a movie. I’ll see you tomorrow and try to go over the uniqueness of Bikaner and its people.