Jan 9

So, yep, I am stuck in srinigar. Roads were closed today due to that snowfall 2 days ago, and yet another night will need to be spent here on this houseboat that has quickly begun to feel like home. No TV, no running water, no heating, no hot water. I haven’t showered since I left Delhi about 5 days ago, but I couldn’t care less. I get up in the morning take a piss, brush my teeth, wash my hands and face with freezing water, put on my faron and go have tea with the family. Despite minus temperatures I’m usually not that cold in the morning.

Today, was just like the others, though I was supposed to go on that drive around town, I honestly didn’t really feel like it and hoped it would be cancelled. Just my luck it was. I never really expected it and was thinking I’d be gone from here by then anyway, but in the end it all worked out. Woke up round 12, hung out with Ghulam, then took off in search of something, partly smokes, partly just some sort of experience. I got my smokes and headed to the Swiss hotel, hoping maybe to share some more moments with Rouf and see if maybe I could use his internet. Wasn’t to be, got there and he wasn’t there but his younger brother greeted me, offered me some tea, then left me alone in the lobby. I finished my tea and started walking. Got to an internet café, logged on, sent out a bunch of emails that had been waiting in my outbox for a connection, chatted with Erin for a while then payed my 20rs and left. And I walked, and I walked and I walked, just taking it in, not knowing where I was going, not interested, feeling pretty confident that I knew where I was and could get back on my own even without the rickshaw. There seem to be a lot more women walking around Srinigar than the rest of India. It’s strange. I would have expected the opposite considering this was a muslim area, but it was nice to see. They’re so light skinned, it such an oddity, but this is mountain land, cold for a large part of the year, it makes sense they’d have lost their melanin. I walked for 2 hours. I got pretty far then slowly made my way back. On the way I stopped at a restaurant that had whole grilled chickens in the window and asked how much they were, and eventually settled on a whole tandoori chicken and a mutton kebab. I wanted to surprise the family. They don’t eat meat often as it’s too expensive so I thought this would be a nice treat. It was the least I could do, though in truth I’d been giving them lots of treats and the total cost of my expenditures far outweighed what I would have spent in a hotel, but it felt right and I had no regrets. I continued my walk back, grabbed a coke and a mango juice for the remainder of my rum for tonight and headed back to the family with my small present. They were all there, happy to see me. Was like coming home. I gave them the bags and told them it was a surprise for dinner. Then sat down and we all started talking, they watched tv, did what they usually do, which, if I’m not mistaken is generally nothing. It’s strange, but all they do is watch tv. Indians and indeed kashmiris love their tv. Every home has a tv, and a few cells. They love computers and cell phones. Can’t get enough of it. A few minutes after I arrived Ruby asked to have the laptop so she could play around. I brought it out and she dove straight into Paint. The other girls just sat around watching tv, engaging in conversation with me. It was all pretty chilled out. Round 7 I found out the roads were open, so I informed them I’d be leaving the next day. Then, Ayesha (Cindit) asked me to teach her some English and that started about an hour of English lessons. Both Ayesha and Adi were taking down notes, asking questions. I realized teaching English without a curriculum is not easy but I did my best. Adi, on her piece of paper, let me know she had a crush on me. It was surprising seeing as she knew I had a girlfriend, but maybe having a girlfriend in the muslim world doesn’t mean much, especially when a man can have 4 wives. She asked if I liked her too. Ha. I wrote down that I thought she was beautiful and an amazing person and that I would have considered myself honored to be with a woman like her. All of it true, but at the same time, avoiding leading her on. I had images of the father pulling out a shotgun or something and chasing me into Dal Lake. Ha. I think Ayesha has a crush on me too. They’re so cute these girls. They really make me smile. They have good hearts. Truth be told though, if I were a kashmiri man, living here and not already given to someone I would definitely be after them. Ayesha wrote a short note in my diary, Adi and I played a game on paper, adding a letter to another letter in order to create words, however long the word created was equaled the number of points. It was very cute. Ayesha and I play fought. Ha. I was beginning to worry though that the affections being displayed would begin to worry the parents, even though it seemed very much like family fun. In the end, the mother was beginning to get tired, I gave sameer a hug as I knew I wouldn’t see him the next day, said good night to the others who would be around when I wake up, and came to the boat to look at the pics Erin had sent me earlier, read the emails I had gotten today finally after days of nothing and began typing. It was another good day. I’ll be sad to leave here, and not looking forward to the next 24 hours, but it has to be done. I feel too disconnected here, physically and mentally to work and to the rest of my trip and it’s damn cold ALL the time. I’ve spent more hours sitting on my ass on the hard floor than ever before. I’ve eaten more meals with my hands than I ever thought I would, had dinner in the tiny kitchen of the family, walked through the streets of srinigar feeling safe and open. I am so happy I made the decision to come up here. It has really given my trip a new light and given me a reason to move on. Yes, I have moments of feeling like I’m ready to go home, a hot shower, drinks with friends, the security of full internet access, heating at home, Duncan, Jad, Tito and all the other beautiful people, but I feel a certain peace here as well, shattered only when I think of work.

I feel like I’ll be genuinely missed here, like the family will bring me up in their conversations at times, maybe when they watch the video that I sing along to, Gomei Abbas, Taran taran. Haha. They always laugh at me when I try to sing it, or when I try to say anything in Kashmiri and manage to make it work. They think I’m cute and the mother calls me her son with a great big smile on a hardened face. It's a great site to behold.

Gotta wake up at 8 or so tomorrow, head out to see if I can catch a jeep to Jammu and hopefully I can grab a train there tomorrow rather than having to stay a night in Jammu. Didn’t really like Jammu much. Nothing much to see, nothing stands out about it. Anyway, we’ll see where I end up.

Appendix :
Wow, that was a weird experience. 2 in the morning, I hear my name outside the window and like a scene from a movie, it’s the local girl come to have a last moment with the roaming traveler brought into the home by the father. Man, it was sweet and daring on her part, knowing the consequences that could arise, but I have to admit, I got scared. For a few reasons, I know that she would get in serious trouble, I know I could get in serious trouble, and it’s not like I could quickly run away even if I wanted to. I’m surrounded by near freezing water in a foreign land, and word would travel quick if I was wanted for any reason. I’m still paranoid. Luckily she didn’t stay long but that doesn’t really mean anything. Fact is, all it would take was one shitty second and I would be seen as a defiler, regardless of whether something were to happen or not. Anyway, she came in, sat down, and said she wanted to see me once more before I left because she wouldn’t see me the next day. So, I said, well I have to give you your hug now then. Hoping to terminate this rather awkward moment I extended my hand to get her to stand up, gave her a hug, she pulled me in, gave me a kiss on the cheek and tried moving in a bit closer. Ha. Unreal. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would end my kashmiri experience. I pulled away politely and slowly and with a smile reminded her that I had a girlfriend, to which she responded that she had a boyfriend too. I laughed. She laughed, but she understood. I told her I was happy she stopped by and that I would have been disappointed to not see her before I left. She stood there, hoping time would change my mind, but in truth, despite the fact that she’s a beautiful girl, and even aside from the fact that I see myself with Erin, though we have both agreed that we’re free to follow whatever paths we choose, this just felt wrong. I just felt a little trapped. In the end, she took my hand, gave it a squeeze and walked out. I followed her to the door, wished her good night, and she walked away. But wait, then when she gets close to her house, her neighbors dog starts barking. Man, my heart was racing, then, for whatever reasons, I couldn’t see cause of the darkness she hit something that rattled. OH MY GOD. As if that wasn’t enough, I wasn’t sure whether the 2 noises had woken anyone up, but I looked across the water to the neighboring houseboat and I saw a shadow, a man, just standing there. Dude, I thought I would die the next day in Kashmir. I walked back to my room, shut off the light so I could peer behind the curtain without being seen and it was still there. I walked over to the living room and looked again but now it seemed more like a simple trick of the eye played by light than a person. Phew. I can’t say I’m 100% sure, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a person. Sides I hadn’t seen anyone there since I’ve been here, it was really late, very cold and the person wasn’t smoking a cigarette so the chances of it being a person are pretty slim. Hopefully, I won’t die tomorrow for suspicion of lascivious acts. But also, i would never want the family to think of me that way, to have all the moments wiped away by the idea of me taking advantage of their innocent girl. Ugh.

All of this right as I was about to call it a night. I think I’m ready now tho for sure. Enough for one day. I'm not gonna sleep well tonight. I keep hearing noises, thinking someone's coming after me. A muslim girl sneeking out of the house for any reason sounds like a crime punishable by death to me right, for her and for whoever she snuck out to see. I'm so on edge right now. Every noise and my breathing stops so i can better hear. This is one of the few times I've felt in danger since I've been here.